How to Talk to Your Kids About…Scary Events, Like Last Week’s Events in Atlanta
Hi Panda Pals,
It’s been on my mind to reach out to the Dancing Panda community after last week’s events in Atlanta. As someone who identifies as Chinese-American, I’ve experienced a whole host of emotions - from disbelief, to fear, to sadness, to anger. It’s been a lot.
In the past few days, many friends and colleagues - both Asian and non-Asian - have reached out to me with their support. I’ve had the most amazing conversations - via the phone, zoom, clubhouse, email, and text message. And in particular, among a group of Asian Pacific Islander American (APIA) educators from across the nation, I realized I needed to speak up and say something. As someone who believes strongly in equity and fighting for the best for our children, I realized it was my duty to say something. So here I am.
As many of you know, I am the mother of two young girls, Madeline and Eleanor. Maddie is 8yrs old and Ellie is 5yrs old. I shared publicly in an article about how I have spoken to them about events that have happened in the past year, including a hate crime that happened in the town next to us. Someone in my network asked if I would share how exactly I have those conversations with Maddie and Ellie. She told me that she knew she wanted to have those conversations with her children but just wasn’t sure how. My guess is that she is not the only parent who struggles with this.
What I share with you today is what I sent her - literally my script on how I spoke to Maddie and Ellie about last week’s events. I also have included a few additional resources that I think may be helpful.
Finally, thank you to everyone who is a part of Dancing Panda’s community. I believe strongly that our children deserve to have a quality education. Part of that journey is helping our children better understand the world around them, and helping them have the courage to fight for what is good and true in this world. We do this hard work by modeling for them what it is good and true. I really wish I could protect them from all the scary things in our world, but I also do want them to be informed and prepared to stand up for themselves and for others.
Stay healthy and be safe.
Sincerely,
Deb
How To Talk To Your Kids After a Big Scary Event Like Last’s Week Mass Shooting in Atlanta
Use plain language and stick to the facts. Since my girls are younger - I keep my language simple and make sure I share details that I know to be true about the situation.
“Maddie and Ellie, I want to talk to you about something that happened. Yesterday, eight people were killed in Atlanta GA.”
Add in how you are feeling. Sharing your feelings explains to your children why you are telling them this news. Kids are also really smart - they can sense when a grownup is upset or sad, and this names the feeling they could be seeing and experiencing themselves.
“I am upset about this because some of the people were Asian. And I think the man who killed them did it because of the color of their skin.”
Explain why you are telling them about what’s happened. This gives more context on where you are coming from.
“I wanted to tell you this because you may hear about it at school or you may hear other kids talk about it.”
Explain why you think what happened was wrong or not good. You don’t need to go into all the details if you don’t want to. I usually say something high level - like someone did something mean or not nice.
“I think it was unfair that the man did those bad things because of the color of their skin. I think that what he did was not nice.”
Ask them/remind them what to do if they see someone who is getting hurt. This is a good opportunity to discuss with your children what to do if a friend is hurt or if someone says something hurtful to them.
“Remember what mommy and daddy said about what happens if someone says something to you that’s hurtful or you see someone saying something hurtful to another kid? Yes, that’s right, you tell a grownup you know right away - like Mrs. T [their teacher] or mom and dad.”
Discuss more with older kids. You can go into more details and have more of a discussion, and ask questions to better understand their thinking. I think the themes stay the same - good vs bad, safety, bullying, etc.
Reassure kids that they are safe, and their loved ones are safe too. One thing I wasn’t expecting was that as a result of our conversation - Maddie did wake up in the middle of the night scared. I reassured her and told her she was safe. I also shared with her that I spoke to her Poa Poa and Gong Gong (my parents, her grandparents) and made sure they were safe too.
My girls are too young to understand the complexities. But they do understand the difference between right and wrong. They also know what being mean looks like or what bullying can look like. My 8yo “got it” - she’s very self-aware and reflective. She asked some questions and I tried to answer them as plainly as I could, in language I knew she would understand. I am not sure how much my 5yo “got it.” But I think at the very least she knows she can ask questions or come talk to us if there is something on her mind that she doesn’t understand.
Deciding to have these kinds of challenging conversations is a personal family decision. But for those of you who do want to have those conversations and don’t know how to, I hope this offers some help and support.
I would love to hear from others here too. How have you talked about this situation with your children? What resources have you found to support you? Have other tips? Have more questions? Comment below or email me at Hello@DancingPandaPal.com.
Additional Resources for Parents and Families:
How to talk to your children about protests and racism: includes guidance on how to speak about racism to children of all ages - and includes a section about “the talk” that parents of color must have with their children about race and racism.
Anti-Asian Racism Has Families Fearing For Their Safety: the article does a good job uplifting the perspectives and stories of our fellow Asian siblings. I also like the recommended actions to take at the end.
Parent Guide Helps Asian Families Address Racism During the Pandemic: The title says it all, it is a guide specifically for Asian families.
Mom's lesson for kids on anti-Asian violence goes viral on Tik Tok: This video of a Mom is another great example of how we can talk to our kids.
